Monday, December 21, 2015

What I Wish I Was Told About Motherhood

The fierce love I feel for all my children is undeniable, and something I don't think anyone could have even begun to try to explain to me. I wouldn't have truly understood. The moment all three of them were born, and I held them for the first time, looked into their eyes, this urge grew inside of me. The urge to protect them and love them.

After my son was born, and I was expecting my second, I wasn't sure I would love her as much or the way I loved my son. He was my first and we had such a special bond.

The heart is an incredible thing. When my daughter was born, I instantly loved her so much. I literally could not stop staring at her out of disbelief that this beautiful little creature was mine. And then my third came along, and oh my goodness, the love. The love is incredible. Sometimes my heart feels so full I can look at them and it brings tears to my eyes. They are each so different and special in their own way, and they way they need me and my love is different. Its the most amazing I have ever been lucky enough to experience.

There are so many things people tell you about motherhood and becoming a parent, and so many things they don't tell you. I always heard a lot about how amazing it is. And how cute babies are and what a special thing it is to be a mom.

Well, I want to tell you everything I wish someone told me. I want to share the raw truth of what being a mother is.

You will never know exhaustion like you do when you are a parent. You think you do. You might even try to compare it to something. But whatever you are comparing it to isn't even close to how painfully tired you will be. You will be so tired, you will contemplate the unthinkable just for five minutes of shut eye. You will be so tired, that you will cry when your baby cries because you just want him to go to sleep. Then you will cry because you feel bad for wishing he would stop crying.

You will do a lot of crying.

You will go days without a shower. This will seem horrible at first. It will bother you that you have spent three days in the same yoga pants, but eventually this will become the norm and it wont bother you anymore. You will come to realize that putting on a full face of make-up and heels is a waste of your time. You cannot effectively parent in heels. Trust me.

You will try to protect your kids from everything and it will be horrible when you realize you can't. And you will feel pain when they feel pain, only worse. Worse because you couldn't prevent it and you can't always make them stop hurting.

You will develop spidey senses and the ability to see germs on every.single.surface. Every person is a suspect and you will trust no one. This does get better with each child. You will boil every toy, pacifier, and sanitize everything with baby number 1. By the time you get to baby number 3, you wont even flinch when you see them eating sand.

Everything in your life will change. You will think it wont and that everything can just stay the same. It wont ever be the same. You will change, and grow and become someone you never thought possible. Instead of an 8pm dinner on a Friday night, you will be in pajamas at 7pm rocking your sweet baby to sleep. You will love this. You will hate this. You'll pine for a night out and when you finally get one, all you will think about is being at home.

Motherhood is not always great and special. Some days its horrible and you will wish the day would just end, and that your kids would just leave you alone for five seconds. You will get frustrated and irritated and annoyed. Bedtime will never come soon enough. When the house is quiet and everyone is asleep, you will lay in the dark, wide awake, going over everything you could have done different that day. You will pray for more patience for tomorrow, then you will wish your kids were awake so you could give them a hug and remind them how loved they are.

Don't rush them to sleep through the night, or eat solids, or crawl or walk or anything. They will do all of these things when they are ready and before you know it they will be teenagers you can't get up in the morning who love hanging out alone. For some reason, society wants us to think there is something wrong with our children if they aren't potty trained, weaned from breastfeeding, and reading a book by their second birthday. Hold your baby when they want to be held. Don't let anyone tell you you are spoiling them because you can't spoil your baby with your love. They need your love and attention. What they don't need is things. But they need you, and nothing can replace your touch or presence.

People will love to give you their advice and try to tell you how to raise your baby. They will tell you what you are doing wrong, what you should change, etc. No one knows your baby like you do. Trust your instincts and have confidence in your choices.

If you don't like coffee now, trust me you will learn to. And there are at least 20 different kinds of creamers out there to choose from. Coffee. Great stuff. Either invest in a killer travel mug that will keep your coffee warm for hours, or be prepared to reheat your mug at least 3x every morning. But, it's the one thing you absolutely do not have to share.

Sharing. Let's just say you won't have privacy for a very long time. You will pee and poop with toddlers on your lap, playing on the bathroom floor, and coming in and out of the bathroom. If you try shutting and locking the door, they will sit outside and cry and knock and talk to you anyway. You won't even bother shutting the door.  No matter what it is you are eating or when you are eating it, someone will want a bite, or two or three, oh hell... you'll end up just giving it to them.

Don't expect your kids to act like adults. So often children are expected to not act like children. They are expected to grow up way before they are ready. Let your kid just be a kid. In the entirety of life, their childhood is short. There is plenty of time to be an adult and it's not during their childhood. Let them make messes and be silly and sit on your lap during dinner. They will throw tantrums and cry. They are not being brats, they are being kids. Guide them through, don't punish them for being what they are.

No matter how tired, or irritated, or drained you feel,never forget your purpose. Don't lose sight of the amazing thing you are doing. Some days it wont feel like much, but you are raising tiny people and what might have seemed like a boring day to you, could have been the best day ever to them. Fill your heart with kindness and patience because children learn more from what they see from you.
Even on the absolute worst day, remember to take a deep breath, look into our baby's eyes, and remember they have feelings too. They are frustrated and sad too. You are in this together and every moment of exhaustion and craziness is worth it. It's all worth it.


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Babies Are Manipulative

I've really been struggling with what to blog about recently. The weeks are flying by and things are happening one after another. From hosting our first ever Thanksgiving, to a near house fire when our leaky kitchen sink decided to completely flood and soak our electrical box, to a full sink and faucet replacement, in addition to everything else, needless to say we have been busy.

When my first child was born, I was so young, and had no idea about parenting or different styles of parenting. I simply took the advice of family, and assumed it was for the best. I didn't have the confidence to do something other then what they were saying. They all said he would never sleep through the night if I didn't let him cry it out. So, I did it. I listened to my sweet baby boy cry himself to sleep. After a few nights, yes, he stopped crying and just went to sleep. But did he really learn to self sooth? I don't believe so. He learned I wouldn't come. This breaks my heart, even twelve years later.

My youngest daughter, who will be two in March, woke up at 2am and just did not want to go back to sleep. ( I ditched the whole cry it out method once I had my second because it went against every motherly instinct I had so not hold my baby when they needed me.) It's very easy as parents to get frustrated because we are tired and just want to sleep, but we have to remember babies are little people with feelings and fears and so many emotions that they can't express to us in any other way then to cry.


We can't expect to have babies, and then mold them in a way that makes our lives easier simply because what they need in momentarily inconvenient.

When I went to get her from her crib, she hugged me so tight, her tiny feet were cold, and she said, "mommy", between her sobs. Maybe she was cold. Maybe she just couldn't sleep. I will never know what woke her up or what she really needed. I just know that she needed. I could have laid her down and let her cry until she fell asleep. Assumed she was being manipulative. Crying just to get her way.

In some countries, and in a lot of cultures, it is unheard of that a baby will sleep in a separate room from their parents. And it makes me sad when I see moms asking for advice on how to put their baby down without them crying, or how to get them to sleep through the night. They thrive off of our physical touch and warmth. They have needs that have to be met. And while it might not always be a convenient time of day or night, we chose to be parents and it's all part of it. The exhaustion. Running off 3 hours of sleep like I am doing today.

Even as adults, we have difficulty sleeping. We wake up and need a drink of water. We wake up from being too hot, or too cold, Or maybe we just aren't tired. Guess what people?? Your baby goes through the same thing only that can't tell you and they can't fix it. So until they learn how, it's our job to try. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, cold. And you can't tell anyone. And you can't pull a blanket on yourself. Imagine being left in the dark to fall asleep on your own.

My daughter wasn't being manipulative. All she knew was that something was bothering her and she needed her mommy. She needed comfort. And that is exactly what she got. I am so exhausted right now. But I gave my daughter something way more important then my sleep. I gave her the reassurance that I was there for her.



****( I am in no way certified or trained on the habits of infant sleep or crying it out. The above is simply my opinion based on my experience as a parent, and research I have conducted on my own time.)


Friday, October 23, 2015

Mommy Wars

Let's be totally honest because we have all done this. We have passed judgement on other mom's before knowing a single thing about them. Hell, we judge mom's we know. I shamefully admit that I have judged a mom based on whether or not she breastfeeds, how her kids behave, how she disciplines, or doesn't . . . and who am I to do that? I am not a perfect mother and I really don't have the right to judge anyone.

I think as parents we all want to feel like the way we choose to raise our children is the best way, and it's very easy to become smug about our choices when we learn that another mom is doing it differently. If there is one thing I have learned about being a mother, it's that there are one million ways to raise kids and just because something is effective for one family, doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be the best thing for you. And that's okay.

It doesn't make you a better mother because you let your baby cry it out so they can learn to self sooth and be independent. And it doesn't make you a better mother because you rock your two year old to sleep.

You are not depriving your child of something because you chose formula from day one. And I seriously doubt that the mother who is still breastfeeding her three year old loves her baby more than you love yours.

We have all been there-- We've been that mom in the store whose kid is throwing a full on temper tantrum because you wouldn't give in and buy that toy, or maybe, just like any other human being, he is having a bad day, and unlike an adult, can't express that in words.
 And you're a great mom for not giving in, and your child acting like a jerk doesn't mean you suck at parenting. Kids throw fits. It happens. Stop judging and go give that poor mama a hug. That could be you next week.

The comments I've listed below and hurtful, and not helpful in anyway:

-You really shouldn't let him do that
-She just gets whatever she wants, doesn't she
-Brat!
-You shouldn't let him get away with that
-It's so weird that you are still breastfeeding
- You need to be more strict
-Or any comment insinuating that you know more about what best for my child then I do


We all make the choices we make because we are all doing what we feel works for our individual family. We do what we think is best and what feels right. What feels right to me, might feel completely wrong to you. It's okay.

We are often harder on ourselves because we compare. I know I compare myself to other mom's a lot. This is probably the worst thing I can do to myself because we are all living a different life and are on a different path and the internet doesn't help. You don't see mom's updating their status about how their baby was up every hour and they haven't showered in three days and the only energy they have is from cold, left over mac and cheese. No. We see the highlight reel. We read about the amazing sleep they got. How lucky they are. And more often then not, you are only going to see the good pictures people take. The ones where they actually had make-up on.

When I had my first baby, I didn't have any confidence as a mother. I was so scared of doing the wrong thing, that I followed everyone's advice, even if it didn't feel like the best thing. I have a lot of regrets about the kind of mother I started out as, but as I gained confidence and fell into a groove, nothing will change how I feel about certain things because I know I am doing what is best for my family and my children.

Before I experienced breastfeeding to the degree I have now, I actually used to say how weird it was to breastfeed a baby with teeth, or when they can ask for it. I never realized how incredibly hurtful a comment like that might be to a mom who chose extended breastfeeding.
It wasn't until I heard comments like that, for me to realize the power of someone's words. It's never fair to judge unless you have been in that situation.



Taking the time to listen to another mom's choices instead of judging them goes a long way. You might learn something new, or understand something that maybe you didn't before.

A judgment happens so quickly. Try to stop it, and replace it with curiosity. We need each other because we are all fighting for the same thing-- the best for our kids!

Sunday, October 18, 2015

Why I Breastfeed In Public

Breastfeeding has become such a hot topic recently and I've been faced with a number of questions and statements from family members, friends, and strangers regarding breastfeeding.

-How much longer do you plan to nurse?

-So, she doesn't eat real food?

- You do know she is just nursing for comfort at this point?

-I think it's time you stop.

-Using the bathroom is natural. Why can't I do that in public?

Let me start by saying that as women, we do something so absolutely incredible. Our bodies actually grow a tiny human inside of us. Then, our organs and bones move and shift so we can deliver a baby. If that truly isn't the most amazing thing ever, I don't know what is.

We do something else pretty awesome too. We produce milk specifically composed of everything our baby needs at different stages of their life based on how long and how often they nurse. So cool!

When someone tells me it's inappropriate to nurse in public, I'm sort of confused.

It's not inappropriate when cheerleaders are literally in sparkly underwear cheering on America's favorite sport, not to mention their boobs are practically bouncing out of the itty bitty top they are wearing. Victoria's Secret posters in the mall show more cleavage and nakedness then I show when I'm nursing.

I saw something on the internet that was comical, but true. Breasts can sell everything from beer to burgers, but a nursing mother is a huge no no.

So why do I nurse in public without a cover? Well, those cover's are total bullshit. First of all, they are hot. Not just hot for me, but my baby was hot underneath them, and I really couldn't even see her. Second, they are so annoying to maneuver underneath of, and my daughter never nursed well with a cover over her face.

I have two other kids and am constantly on the go, so when I have a newborn baby who is nursing every 45 minutes to 2 hours, it's almost impossible for me to find an isolated place to sit for half an hour while she nurses, and you can go to hell if you tell me to go into a public restroom. And now that she is older, she nurses so infrequently and so quickly, that by the time you have gotten your panties in a bunch over me breastfeeding, she will be finished.

Speaking of finding an isolated place to nurse-- because I choose to breastfeed, why should I have to leave the room, or be sent away to do it? Something like that can become incredibly lonely. Especially in the first few months when babies are nursing so often. If I "went somewhere private" every time my daughter needed to nurse, I might as well have never left my house.

I don't do it to prove a point. And I'm not doing it to flaunt my breasts or activate my right as a woman to nurse in public.

I nurse in public because it's convenient, and if I'm out to lunch with my husband, and my baby needs to breastfeed, I don't want to have to leave the table and go sit in my car alone for twenty-five minutes while my meal gets cold.

I do it because I'm not ashamed to do what I feel is natural when my baby is hungry.
And yes, pooping and peeing is natural too. But excreting waste is extremely different that nourishing a baby, not to mention unsanitary if everyone starting taking a dump in public. There is nothing unsanitary about nursing an infant.

If someone is breastfeeding in public and it makes you uncomfortable, stop looking at them. Because if someone was wearing an outfit that was exposing a lot of cleavage, or their ass was hanging out, would you walk up to them and say, "excuse me, you need to cover up."? Of course you wouldn't. Why? Because it is their right to dress the way they want to. Just like it is my right to nurse where I need to. Not so much want to. Need to. 

If society makes it inconvenient for mother's to breastfeed wherever they need to, they simply won't anymore. I gave up nursing my second daughter after only 4 weeks due to lack of information about nursing- my fault entirely- and also feeling like I had to leave the room, or go in my bedroom every time she wanted to nurse. I remember on one occasion, sitting in my bedroom a week or so after giving birth, nursing my beautiful daughter, and just crying while I breastfed. I could hear my family in the kitchen laughing and making jokes, eating dinner, and I wanted to be out there with them. And I felt so alone.

It wasn't until I had my third baby that I took action and researched, joined support groups and realized it was okay to nurse wherever I wanted to. And the whole experience was very different for me. I stopped leaving the room, or excusing myself from the table, and I didn't feel like because I was nursing that I had to be isolated. Its a beautiful, normal thing that should not be looked at as inappropriate.

The length of time I nurse is entirely up to me and my daughter and it's so weird when people ask me how much longer I'm going to do it? It's weird because I really don't know. When I started breastfeeding my now 19 month old, I had hoped to make it to a year. I never imagined we would have made it this long. And I'm proud of it, and I'm happy to do it. I've sacrificed a lot to exclusively breastfeed for this long.( Yes, my daughter eats three meals a day and lots and lots of snacks) I nurse her to sleep every night, and some people have commented on how it must suck, or they can't imagine never being able to go anywhere over night.

Well, you know what-- That's you, not me. And in the entirety of my life, sacrificing two to three short years of my time to my child really isn't very long. Before I know it, she will be my older son's age, and I will pine to rock her in my arms one more time.

So yes, in a way, she does nurse for comfort when she is nursing to fall asleep. But lot's of people have a means of comfort or relaxation to help achieve sleep. She falls asleep warm, comfortable, and peacefully. Nothing at all wrong with that. I'm sure with age, her means of comfort will change or the need for it might go away entirely. And no, I don't know when that will be.

My husband and I go out, and we do things together. We just plan it around her. I usually nurse her to sleep, and then we go out. No big deal really. She sleeps through the night, and I know we have so many wonderful years ahead of us to take vacations alone, or get away for the weekend. We improvise for now, and it's really okay. Do we miss being able to be completely alone for days at a time? Absolutely.

There will be a time when my daughter will wean from nursing when she is ready.Until then, I will continue to nurse her when she needs it, wherever that happens to be.


Friday, September 11, 2015

Parenting Is Not A Competition


I hate how parenting has become a competition of who works the hardest and who does more of this or more of that. Which type of mom is more tired or has it the toughest. And by type I mean, single moms, stay at home moms, working mom's, mom's with nanny's. . .

Everyone works really hard, Parenting is hard no matter how you look at it and everyone struggles in different ways. Just remember we are all supposed to be there for one another. It's not a competition.
I've been a single mom, a working mom, and now I'm a stay at home mom, and there was never a time when I said to myself, "hey, things are so much easier this way." Being a single mom was hard. Being a working mom was hard. Staying at home is hard. And when I was working or a single mom and even now being at home, I always thought things were easier another way.  Each one has it's perks, and each one also has it's downfalls.

The thing I loved the most about working was being around other adults and feeling like I was accomplishing something as a team. It was a good feeling waking up to an alarm, getting ready for the day, and having a job to do. The downfall: I missed out on things my kids did that day. I didn't see them off to school, or their little faces when they came home. I don't know what they had for lunch, or how they fell asleep for a nap.

Being a single mom is draining. There is no one there to help you when you've had enough. No spouse or partner to take over while you shower, or nap. The one thing I do miss about being a single mom is the one on one time my son and I had. It was just me and him and we followed our own routine and did what we wanted.

Staying at home is a blessing. I have the opportunity to see my children every single day, from the moment they wake up, to the moment they go to bed. I hear every story, and see everything they see. I know what they have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and if they are happy. I'm the one that gets to make it better if they aren't. But staying at home can be lonely and the things I sacrifice, the pieces of myself that get lost alone the way, can be truly difficult to overcome.

The truth is nothing will ever make this journey we are on any easier. It will be hard forever in different ways. From the moment we decided to become parents, we embarked on a lifelong journey to care for and raise another human being. We worry, all the time about whether or not we are doing it right. Are we making good choices? Will our children grow up to be good, successful, nice, honest people?

There were times, especially after my third baby was born, that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I couldn't think about anything except how I was going to get through the next hour. My days and nights merged together and I felt alone. Isolated. I wasn't me. I was this feeding machine. An exhausted feeding machine who couldn't even wear her own clothes or find time to apply just a little mascara. You would never have known this from looking at me, nor would I admit that I was drowning in my life.

My youngest is almost 18 months now and I've started to feel like myself again. I get a full night's sleep. I have a couple hours during the day when she naps to regroup, shower, write . . . and I can breathe. . .  most days.

Looking back on the darker times, I feel proud of myself. I got through something I didn't think I could get through and I wasn't alone. Lot's of mom's go through what I went through and are afraid to admit they are struggling. It's because we judge, we feel we can't seek help for fear of judgment. And whether we work, stay at home, go it alone, breastfeed, don't breastfeed, we all have the same fears and struggles. We probably have the same goals. Be great parents. Love our children.

Stop comparing and don't judge. We are all doing the best we can. Offer support. A hug goes a really long way. Trust me. Not a stupid side hug. A real, long hug!

You're not a better mom because you rock your baby to sleep. You're not a bad mom because you have different parenting idea's then the strict mom down the street.

We are all just trying to survive being in the trenches of parenthood. Give each other a break.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Dirty Thirty


When I was a kid, I was one of those wild stallion's that thought she had it all figured out when really I was just lost, and pretending like I had it figured out, trying so many different things, hoping something would stick. I was so unsure of myself and always worried what other people thought, almost too much. My family probably remembers hearing me say, "I don't care what people think." I hoped if I said it enough, then maybe one day it would actually be the truth.

There isn't anything I would necessarily change about my life, because then so many things would not be what they are today, but if I could go back to my younger self, I would tell her she is smart, smarter then she thinks she is. I would let her know that one day she won't have crooked teeth or braces, and that mustache, thanks to her Italian heritage, can be waxed. She won't always be taller then every boy she meets, and the ones that don't pay attention to her wont matter when she is older.

I would tell her not to be afraid to believe in things and like things, even if she is the only one. I would tell her being a dork is the coolest thing ever, and that one day she will meet someone who loves her for every weird thing she does, every habit, every passion.

I would tell her not to care too much what people think, because there will always be someone who disagree's with her. Try to keep an open mind, and give people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone deserves a second chance at least once, and some don't deserve them at all. I would tell her to learn who is worthy of her time. I would tell her youth really is wasted on the young, and not to waste her youth. To cherish it, because it will be over before she knows it. She will have plenty of time to be a grown up, and while it seems great, once she is one, all she will want is to be a kid again.

Now here I am days away from my 30th birthday and I'm definitely smarter, more sensitive then I ever thought possible, a self proclaimed dork,  but I don't really have it all figured out. I'm still figuring it out every day, making ton's of mistakes, and I'm really okay with that. If I have it all figured out, then I don't know what I'm living for. After the mistake comes a lesson and a learning opportunity and something about that is just beautiful. No matter what, I am never too old to learn something new. Whether it's kid related, or something just for me, I learn everyday.

Thirty was always such a scary age for me because it was sort of like my deadline for accomplishing things, meeting goals, and traveling the world. The closer I got to this horrendous age, I realized thirty isn't ninety and my life doesn't stop at any age. Turning thirty really is like turning any other number. It's just a number. A measurement of how long I've been alive.

What's important isn't so much the number itself, but how I feel, and what I'm doing now, not what I haven't done. There is no cut off because it's never too late.

One of my favorite movies ever is Vanilla Sky. I cry every time I see it because it has such a powerful message about choices and appreciation and time. My favorite quote comes from that movie.

"Every passing minute, is another chance to turn it all around." 

I fell in love with this quote long before I worried about turning thirty, but now that my 20's are coming to an end, this means more to me then it ever did. My spirit is young, and no number is going to change the way I feel.

I'm going to make Dirty Thirty beautiful again!

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

What Is A Good Mother?

There are thing as a stay at home mom that I often feel are my daily responsibility and if these things don't get done, then I'm not doing my job because staying home and keeping our house in order is my unpaid job.

Waking up before my kids and showering, getting dressed, making school lunches and greeting them with a smile and a hot breakfast makes me feel like a good mother.

Keeping the house spotless and and making sure laundry is caught up and bills are paid and our budget is up to date makes me feel like a good mother.

Playing one on one with each child, coming up with an activity or project makes me feel like a good mother.

Making some kind of healthy/inspiring dinner every single night and setting the table with napkins and decorative center pieces per the season makes me feel like a good mother.

Skipping the gym and spending time with everyone makes me feel like a good mother.


So why don't I feel like a good mother if I drag myself out of bed, and pour myself a cup of coffee before placing a bowl of cereal in front of my kids instead of homemade waffles and maple syrup?

Why don't I feel like a good mother if we are eating off paper plates and serving them from the stove-top instead of everything in fancy dishes?

Those question got me thinking about what really makes a good mother and why we feel this need to check off so many things on our to-do list as some kind of proof that we are doing a good job.

There are so many days when my house isn't spotless, and I'm not awake before anyone, and dinner is something I threw together at the last minute just so I can say we ate as a family.

What makes me a good mother is taking my youngest for a morning walk instead of standing in front of the sink washing dishes because there will always be dishes. There won't always be morning walks, because unlike dishes, babies grow up.

What makes me a good mother is serving them chicken nuggets because they freaking love chicken nuggets and dinner time isn't an episode of Chopped and my kids are just happy we are sitting together enjoying their favorite food. Presentation doesn't mean anything because half of it ends up on the floor anyway.

What makes me a good mother is at the end of a busy day, I lay with each one of my kids before they go to bed. I rub their backs while they talk endlessly about random things and ask me crazy questions. I listen. They love it.

Kids don't care that you cleaned the dust bunnies under the fridge, or organized and color coded their closet. Your worth as a mother isn't based on how many Pinterest projects you completed that month, or life hacks you applied to your house, or activities you dragged them to.

I realized my worth as a mother is measured in love and my urge to fight for them when things go wrong. The desire to help them with homework. How my heart swells when I hear them laugh, and the thought that goes into everything I do and plan to do-- even if I don't ever get around to it.

Being a good mother is not about spending an hour getting dressed and putting on make-up because my kids think I'm beautiful anyway. I'm their mommy, and they don't care if I spend the day in yoga pants, as long as I'm spending the day with them.

Being a good mother is knowing when I need a break, and taking it. It's okay to leave for an hour or two so I can clear my head and take a breath. No matter how many breaks I say I need, I miss them so much the minute I step out the door every single time.

Mom's are hardest on themselves because we take so much pride in feeling like we are doing a good job. We don't need a check list, and I know that now. I'm reminded what a great mother I am with every smile, every hug, and every time my children make good decisions. Even when they make bad ones, and act like jerks, I still know I am a good mother because I am right there catching them when they fall, correcting the wrong, and even sometimes watching as they fall because I know they are ready to pick themselves back up. Knowing they will make mistake after mistake for the rest of their lives; being there to guide them through it and loving them so much anyway.

Now that makes me a damn good mother!


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Dear Working Mama


Dear Working Mama,

You are amazing and strong for going back to work. Maybe you wanted to go back to work because you spent a lot of time earning a degree and getting a great job and you don't want all your amazing hard work to be for nothing. Maybe you have to go back because your family needs your income. Whatever the reason, I know it's not easy leaving your baby every morning.

 It's hard getting three kids out the door and lunches made, but you probably have to do the same AND get yourself ready.  I'm lucky if I shower every two days and look at you ready for work at 8am! You're awesome!

I know you sometimes cry after you drop your baby off because you feel guilty. I don't know how you do it and I admire your strength.

When I'm home nursing my baby I know you have to sit in the break room pumping, wishing you were home, or hoping whoever is watching your baby is mixing the formula correctly and that she will actually take a bottle from someone other than you. Your determination is incredible. 

I know after a long work day you still have to come home and cook dinner, and help with homework.

After my kids go to bed I can relax, but I know you are probably catching up on work you didn't finish because you were pumping, or calling the daycare, or maybe you were daydreaming about your beautiful baby. 

I know it's annoying when people look at you with judgement and say, " Don't you want to stay home?" 

When I'm having a rough day, secretly wishing I went back to work, I know you wish you could stay at home.

When I lay my baby down for a nap, I know how badly it hurts you that yours is falling asleep with someone else. The way you stay calm and continue your work day is amazing.

Sometimes I envy you-- I envy the career you have and wonder how exciting your day is. There is no routine and nap times. There are business lunches and interaction with someone other than a tiny version of yourself.

But then I realize you might envy me too. I bet you wish you could hang in your pj's all day sipping coffee, spending time with your babies. We can be friends and share pieces of each other's worlds with one another. Because the grass is always greener, right?

 Going back to work doesn't make you a bad mother, it makes you an amazing mother. You deserve more recognition for the tough decisions you are forced to make every single day and I think you rock!

Love,
The Stay At Home Mama



Monday, August 17, 2015

Why We Read Shit Like 50 Shades and Secretly Love It


Sex once you have children is either a quickie on the couch before the baby starts crying or locked in the bathroom while one of your toddlers is knocking on the door asking why two people are in there at the same time.

And on the lucky nights, the nights when there are no children in your bed and everyone is asleep in their own room's by 8pm, it has to be quiet sex. The minute that headboard starts banging into the wall a kid will come bouncing on the bed while you and your husband scramble to get dressed because they heard a "weird sound". And forget about trying to moan with pleasure because guaranteed one kid will think there is a ghost in the house and never leave your room.

So when books like 50 Shades of Grey come out, no matter how bad the writing is, we read it and love it. Well, honestly, I didn't really read all of it, I skimmed through the fluff and read the shit out of all the intimate parts with a bowl of popcorn in my lap.

When you're a mom, you do temporarily lose who you are. Things change and you don't live for only yourself anymore. Your relationship with your spouse changes, or maybe you are an incredible single mama who craves stimulation again and the closest thing you get to it is a breast pump.

And to the haters, yes we know Christian Grey is a fictional character who does not exist and no we don't really (okay maybe a little bit) expect our partners to be that way. Yes we know this is not realistic and no, we do not care.

It's like knowing vampires don't exist but secretly hoping Edward Cullen will find our blood irresistible and never leave us alone.

It's exciting and sexy and in the midst of breast milk stains, shitty diapers, and Elmo we need sexy in our lives, even if it's through a book about S&M starring a twenty-seven year old hot billionaire who is actually single and actually falls in love with the plain Jane. Exactly why we love this kind of thing. We feel like we have become the plain Jane's because it's a good day if we aren't still in yoga pants at 4pm.

It reminds us that one day we will feel sexy again, but until then all we get is 50 Shades of Poop, 50 Shades of Breast milk stains, 50 Shades of coffee stains on my clothes, 50 Shades of questionable substances, 50 Shades of magic marker on my walls . . .



Sunday, August 16, 2015

The Way I Look At Him Now

When I first met my husband, neither of us were looking for a relationship but there was something about him I couldn't stop thinking about. A week later we went for a walk together, a walk that turned into four hours of talking, laying in the grass looking at stars, and falling in love. There was so much mystery to him then, only knowing as much as one can know about someone they've just met.

I used to think that once I fell in love that was it. The love I felt for Greg was what it would be forever. I couldn't have been more wrong.


When I woke up to him sitting beside me for the first time, waiting for me to open my eyes, I fell more in love with him.

When I got a bad cold and he tried to make me some strange concoction of hot tea and cough medicine that tasted like bitter menthol; I fell more in love with him.

When he got really sick, like really sick, and I had to take care of him for a week, I realized how badly it would hurt if something ever happened to him.

When we had our first bad argument, I got to see how he experienced regret, and sorrow.

When he proposed to me on the same sidewalk where we had ended up the night we took our four hour walk, despite having no money, and no job, I saw determination and nervousness.

When he lost his grandfather, I saw him mourn and witnessed strength.

When I heard him tell my son he loved him . . .

The way he comforted me the night we moved into our first house and I sobbed for hours out of fear and change and wondering how the hell we were going to make our house livable.

On our wedding day; the way tears filled his eyes the moment he saw me walk down the aisle.

After our second child was born, I missed him when he worked 75 hours a week so I could stay home.

When things got tough in our marriage, and we separated, I saw him in pain and I saw him keep going despite that pain. I pushed him away and he never stopped trying. I witnessed a love between the two of us that some only dream of.

Watching him rock our daughter to sleep . . .

I experienced how calm he is when everything around us isn't.

The way he spoke to me with such a gentle and loving tone, despite driving 85 miles an hour and running red lights to the hospital because my water broke at home and I was about to deliver our 3rd child in the front seat of our car.

After eight years, he still makes my coffee every morning . . .


There is something beautiful about knowing you love someone so quickly and when you are so young. We have gotten to be apart of so many things in each others lives. We have watched each other learn, and helped each other grow.

The way I look at him now is different then the way I looked at that hot college guy I wanted to get to know so bad. He is my partner, my best friend, an amazing dad. He drives me crazy and pushes my buttons. He gets me in a way a lot of people don't. We laugh at things other's don't understand because we are the same kind of weird. I love that things don't have to be perfect and he can love me at absolute worst and I can love him during his.

I love the way I look at him now, and I look forward to how I will look at him seven more years from now.



Thursday, August 13, 2015

They Understand


When you're a mom, your friends are no longer just friends, they are mom friends. I refer to all my friends that have kids now as mom friends and getting together with them over coffee . . . a lot of coffee, helps me feel like I'm not on this journey alone. They get it in a way my husband doesn't and can't because he works to provide so much to our family. 

They understand feeling tired in a way you never thought possible. Getting woken up every single night. Breastfeeding alone in the dark while the rest of your house is quiet minus the heavy breathing of your spouse. 

They get it when you say the feeling you get when you look at your peacefully sleeping husband while your breasts are leaking milk as you attempt to change a diaper in the dark so you don't overstimulate the baby is anything but love. You want to suffocate him! They know you really don't.

They attend play dates at your house without judgment even though your dinner dishes are still in the sink, and there are breakfast bowls and spilled milk on the table. You answer the door in your pajamas and unwashed hair swept up in a messy ponytail. They get it. 

They bring over bagels and coffee because they know that even though it's ten o'clock, you probably haven't eaten yet.

You can vent about how your husband is driving you crazy and never picks up his clothes off the floor, ever. And when he does the dishes he never wipes off the fucking counter and always leaves that one big pot in the sink.  They know you love him anyway.

The understand your need to have a mom's night out and happily finish a bottle of wine ( okay, two) with you while you talk about everything but kids. 

They know what it's like to completely give up everything you are to be a mother and to feel so lost sometimes because you are so busy taking care of everyone else. 

When people say that being a mother isn't that hard, your mom friends are right there with you-- dark circles under their eyes and unwashed hair telling those people to fuck off. We have been there for each other through the pregnancies, sleep regressions, breast feeding struggles . . . we've seen it all. They get it. It's hard. Period.

They know the beauty of  kids having an early bedtime and why it's crucial to our sanity because they also know that no matter what time the kids go to bed their wake up time stays the same. 

When you're crying and bitching and complaining and freaking out, they listen not lecture. They know you need to vent and they know you love your family. 

I know that when I'm nursing at 3 am they probably are too and I don't feel so alone.

I know that when I'm stressed out because my house is a disaster that so is their's and it's okay to not be able to do it all.

I know that when I'm serving my kids mac and cheese for the second night this week that their kids had some turkey and a slice of cheese for dinner last week and that doesn't make us bad moms. Just busy ones. 

Motherhood is the most amazing, challenging, annoying, difficult, beautiful thing I have ever done and thanks to my mom friends and lot's and lot's of coffee, we got through it.




Monday, August 10, 2015

Top 5 Most Challenging Places to Bring Children

My husband works a lot and I'm often totally on my own with my three kids and we don't have family close enough to baby-sit or take the kids for a weekend. Yes, one of my kids is almost a teenager, but don't let that fool you into thinking it makes it easier. He helps, a lot. More than most twelve year old boys would, but he is often bored out of his mind because of all the little girl things that take place in our house.

I've compiled a list of the top five hardest places to go with young children in tow and how to arm yourself accordingly.

5. Grocery Store- This one isn't too bad, challenging, but do-able. My 17 month old hasn't figured out that she can get down and walk yet and I'm sure once that happens it's a whole new ball game at Wal-Mart. To survive, make a list and map out a route beforehand so when you get to the store you know exactly where you are going and what you need. On too many occasions I've had all three kids with me and they start losing their patience one by one and I get flustered and forget a handful of things only to have to *gulp* return the next day for said items. If all hell breaks loose, but them each a doughnut and haul ass to the check out line.

4. The Vet- I recently had to endure this challenge after getting our new puppy,  Holly. Yup! All three kids came with me. Make the appointment as early as possible. Everyone is much happier first thing in the morning, especially after a good breakfast. Just like the doctors office, appointments show up late, run long and the later in the afternoon you arrive, the more of a chance you will have to wait forever. Snagging one of the first appointment times ensures you will be seen quickly.

3. Street Fair- Our town has one every year called Steppin Out and it's great and there is so much to do. It's also in August, so it's hot and crowded and overwhelming for little ones. Tips are simple. Babywear! I had my youngest, Mavis, in the Ergo.  It's tricky trying to keep up with two other kids in the crowd while maneuvering a stroller through hundreds of people. It also made it easy for me to walk in and out of the different booths quickly. Start with the boring stuff, the stuff you want to look at, then work your way to the kid friendly activities. Why? There is no way that after two hours of sand art, face painting, and fun kid stuff that they are then going to want to browse the hand carved wood, or homemade candles.

2. Road trips- If you have more than one kid or a child who hates the car then you know how hard this can be. I'll never forget a 7 hour car trip with my oldest when he was around 12 months old and he cried the whole way. My dad and I sang Row Row Row Your Boat three hundred times because for some reason it made him stop crying.  If your like me, and freak about safety, then your youngest is probably still rear facing. So much for that DVD system because they can't even see it.

 The truth is, there is no toy or movie that makes long tips easier on little ones. Patience and practice are your best friends. Take a few practice drives beforehand so the real thing isn't a huge shock. Be patient and have realistic expectations. You can't drive five hours straight and know that it's okay to have to stop every two hours and snuggle your kids and let them run around Chic-fil-A for an hour before heading out again.  Be prepared to entertain! Exhausting, I know. But towards the end of an eight and a half hour drive my youngest was just done. Ready to be free. Me sitting in the back with her and reading her books, playing peek-a-boo, and holding her hand went a long way. I'd be pissed too if I had to stare at the back of a seat for an entire day. Never underestimate the power of cookies.

1. Your Own Doctor's Appointment- Ah- this one is tricky. I've had to do this before and let me tell you, it gets awkward. My oldest is 12 and a boy and there is nothing weirder then him tagging along at my OB appointment. He is at that age where it's kind of, sort of, maybe, maybe not okay for him to be at home alone. I go back and forth constantly. At the doctor's office, he can't exactly be in the room with me. He can sit in the lobby, but then I feel bad that he is out there alone for 30+ minutes while I'm in the room with the two girls. So what do you do? If you can't find someone to go with you or watch them, let the office know you are bringing your kids with you, they are probably used to it. And again, like with the vet, schedule your appointment for the earliest time they have! Bring them back in the room with you, then just have the older one step out while your being examined.


Mom's are superhero's and we are capable of doing anything. Be brave. Be calm. And even if your kid is going completely nuclear in Target, you're not the first mom this has ever happened to, your child isn't the devil, and it's going to be okay.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

The Bittersweets of Back to School


Back to school is a season of it's own with it's freshly sharpened pencils, and the look of a box of unused crayons. It's a new beginning. Like springtime.

The requests for school supplies are a little different then when I was a kid. We had one folder and one composition book. The classroom shared a bin of dull nubby crayons with no wrappers on them and we borrowed pencils from one another when our own were too small to write with.

My daughter's list asks for 20 freakin glue sticks! 20! No way she is going to use 20 glue sticks. And I assume every kid in the class has the same request for supplies, so if there are fifteen kids in her class and each one buys 20 glue sticks, you're telling me as a class they need 300 glue sticks?

Everything is mechanical now too. Crayons. Colored pencils. Regular pencils. There is no nostalgic smell of a freshly sharpened pencil or the loud grinding of a manual pencil sharpener on the wall with a line of students behind it.

I wish my kids could experience raw learning. School for what it is. Not get caught up in new backpacks every single year ( in our house they use their backpack until it's falling apart) and new supplies when the ones from last year are just as good.

I get excited about my two older ones starting school again because let's face it, I'm home with three kids all day, every day, for months. This is fun in the beginning. We get to hang out everyday, do whatever we want and there is no wake-up time or rush to get to bed. We get to visit family and go on vacation, but then something happens. They get bored and we all begin to annoy one another.

I think I'm so ready to send them off when the time comes, and I watch as my 12 year old flies out of the car, too cool now to cling to me with tear filled eyes; not wanting to go to school.I'm the one with tears in my eyes now.

 My six year old telling me that she will think about me all day long and it makes her feel sad because she misses me, as she slowly gets out of the car and bounces off to her classroom. How did they grow up so fast?

On the bad days, the days when I haven't showered, and realize at 3pm I haven't even eaten lunch and my older two kids are fighting and the baby wants to be held, I make myself stop. I stop and think about how my heart feels when they aren't with me. I keep holding the baby, because one day she won't want me to hold her anymore and I'll wish I could. I smile at my two older kids arguing about who pinched who first because when they are gone there is silence. If I deeply wanted quiet in my life I wouldn't have became a mother. It's the noise, and the craziness that bring the joy, not the alone time, although this is nice on occasion. And each year of school complete is another year closer to when they leave me for good.

Sending them back to school is bittersweet. I get a piece of myself back, a moment of silence to breathe and remember who I am. But I also temporarily lose two very special parts of who I am as well and hope that when I send them out into the world and entrust strangers to teach them, that I'm doing a good job, and they will be okay.






Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Summer Vacation Nightmares

Summer Vacation. Freedom. It's a breath of fresh air . . . until you have children. Summer vacation has a whole new meaning to me now.

In my ultimate fantasy my husband and I head to the beach with a couple of towels and a few drinks while we sleep the day away under the sun listening to the waves crash on the beach. What actually happens is so far from this it's almost comical.

We spend forty-five minutes applying sunscreen, packing a cooler with drinks and snacks because even though we all just had breakfast, something about arriving at the beach makes every child instantly starving. And God forbid we don't bring a tent, towels, toys, and boogie boards because the beach itself isn't entertaining enough.

Phew! After our long production we finally make it to the beach and have the joy of unpacking all the crap we have brought with us and dragging it up the boardwalk to the beach while holding my 16 month old, convincing our twelve year old to help carry stuff, while listening to our six year old complain about the two hundred minute (45 second) walk to the beach.

Once we have found a good spot we then get to set-up everything. Put up the tent so our fair skinned girls don't burn, blow up the pool, because everyone is warning you not get in the ocean. You will get eaten by a shark! And let's not forget that 1 out of 3 children are hungry already, and the baby wants to nurse.

Now it's been an entire 70 minutes since we first decided to go to the beach and you are thinking it's worth it because the kids will spend the whole day enjoying the beach, right? There is so much to do there, right? Can I laugh in your face now?

Two hours in-- "I'm hot." "I'm bored, when can we go back?"

I don't want them to get too much sun because then my in-laws are asking why my kids are sunburned. Then I start worrying about skin cancer and heat stroke . . .  Is that a fin in the water?Crap! We pack everything back up and head out.

Fifteen minutes after we get back to the beach house the, "I'm bordes" begin.

Vacations with kids really aren't vacations. They are a cruel test of your patience and creativity because you're in an unfamiliar beach house rental with twelve other family members. I then find myself wondering why my husband and I do this to ourselves. Drive 8 hours with three kids to go on vacation when it really feels like anything but that because we are bed sharing with our six year old and room sharing with the baby who wakes up twice a night because she is squished in the pack and play.

When people ask me how my vacation was, or insinuate that is was probably amazing, I just smile and nod because I'm supposed to be thankful I get to go to the beach for two weeks, right? And I'm not allowed to be irritated or stressed.

The truth is it wasn't a vacation, it was work.