Dirty Thirty

When I was a kid, I was one of those wild stallion's that thought she had it all figured out when really I was just lost, and pretending like I had it figured out, trying so many different things, hoping something would stick. I was so unsure of myself and always worried what other people thought, almost too much. My family probably remembers hearing me say, "I don't care what people think." I hoped if I said it enough, then maybe one day it would actually be the truth.

There isn't anything I would necessarily change about my life, because then so many things would not be what they are today, but if I could go back to my younger self, I would tell her she is smart, smarter then she thinks she is. I would let her know that one day she won't have crooked teeth or braces, and that mustache, thanks to her Italian heritage, can be waxed. She won't always be taller then every boy she meets, and the ones that don't pay attention to her wont matter when she is older.

I would tell her not to be afraid to believe in things and like things, even if she is the only one. I would tell her being a dork is the coolest thing ever, and that one day she will meet someone who loves her for every weird thing she does, every habit, every passion.

I would tell her not to care too much what people think, because there will always be someone who disagree's with her. Try to keep an open mind, and give people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone deserves a second chance at least once, and some don't deserve them at all. I would tell her to learn who is worthy of her time. I would tell her youth really is wasted on the young, and not to waste her youth. To cherish it, because it will be over before she knows it. She will have plenty of time to be a grown up, and while it seems great, once she is one, all she will want is to be a kid again.

Now here I am days away from my 30th birthday and I'm definitely smarter, more sensitive then I ever thought possible, a self proclaimed dork,  but I don't really have it all figured out. I'm still figuring it out every day, making ton's of mistakes, and I'm really okay with that. If I have it all figured out, then I don't know what I'm living for. After the mistake comes a lesson and a learning opportunity and something about that is just beautiful. No matter what, I am never too old to learn something new. Whether it's kid related, or something just for me, I learn everyday.

Thirty was always such a scary age for me because it was sort of like my deadline for accomplishing things, meeting goals, and traveling the world. The closer I got to this horrendous age, I realized thirty isn't ninety and my life doesn't stop at any age. Turning thirty really is like turning any other number. It's just a number. A measurement of how long I've been alive.

What's important isn't so much the number itself, but how I feel, and what I'm doing now, not what I haven't done. There is no cut off because it's never too late.

One of my favorite movies ever is Vanilla Sky. I cry every time I see it because it has such a powerful message about choices and appreciation and time. My favorite quote comes from that movie.

"Every passing minute, is another chance to turn it all around." 

I fell in love with this quote long before I worried about turning thirty, but now that my 20's are coming to an end, this means more to me then it ever did. My spirit is young, and no number is going to change the way I feel.

I'm going to make Dirty Thirty beautiful again!