What Is A Good Mother?

There are thing as a stay at home mom that I often feel are my daily responsibility and if these things don't get done, then I'm not doing my job because staying home and keeping our house in order is my unpaid job.

Waking up before my kids and showering, getting dressed, making school lunches and greeting them with a smile and a hot breakfast makes me feel like a good mother.

Keeping the house spotless and and making sure laundry is caught up and bills are paid and our budget is up to date makes me feel like a good mother.

Playing one on one with each child, coming up with an activity or project makes me feel like a good mother.

Making some kind of healthy/inspiring dinner every single night and setting the table with napkins and decorative center pieces per the season makes me feel like a good mother.

Skipping the gym and spending time with everyone makes me feel like a good mother.


So why don't I feel like a good mother if I drag myself out of bed, and pour myself a cup of coffee before placing a bowl of cereal in front of my kids instead of homemade waffles and maple syrup?

Why don't I feel like a good mother if we are eating off paper plates and serving them from the stove-top instead of everything in fancy dishes?

Those question got me thinking about what really makes a good mother and why we feel this need to check off so many things on our to-do list as some kind of proof that we are doing a good job.

There are so many days when my house isn't spotless, and I'm not awake before anyone, and dinner is something I threw together at the last minute just so I can say we ate as a family.

What makes me a good mother is taking my youngest for a morning walk instead of standing in front of the sink washing dishes because there will always be dishes. There won't always be morning walks, because unlike dishes, babies grow up.

What makes me a good mother is serving them chicken nuggets because they freaking love chicken nuggets and dinner time isn't an episode of Chopped and my kids are just happy we are sitting together enjoying their favorite food. Presentation doesn't mean anything because half of it ends up on the floor anyway.

What makes me a good mother is at the end of a busy day, I lay with each one of my kids before they go to bed. I rub their backs while they talk endlessly about random things and ask me crazy questions. I listen. They love it.

Kids don't care that you cleaned the dust bunnies under the fridge, or organized and color coded their closet. Your worth as a mother isn't based on how many Pinterest projects you completed that month, or life hacks you applied to your house, or activities you dragged them to.

I realized my worth as a mother is measured in love and my urge to fight for them when things go wrong. The desire to help them with homework. How my heart swells when I hear them laugh, and the thought that goes into everything I do and plan to do-- even if I don't ever get around to it.

Being a good mother is not about spending an hour getting dressed and putting on make-up because my kids think I'm beautiful anyway. I'm their mommy, and they don't care if I spend the day in yoga pants, as long as I'm spending the day with them.

Being a good mother is knowing when I need a break, and taking it. It's okay to leave for an hour or two so I can clear my head and take a breath. No matter how many breaks I say I need, I miss them so much the minute I step out the door every single time.

Mom's are hardest on themselves because we take so much pride in feeling like we are doing a good job. We don't need a check list, and I know that now. I'm reminded what a great mother I am with every smile, every hug, and every time my children make good decisions. Even when they make bad ones, and act like jerks, I still know I am a good mother because I am right there catching them when they fall, correcting the wrong, and even sometimes watching as they fall because I know they are ready to pick themselves back up. Knowing they will make mistake after mistake for the rest of their lives; being there to guide them through it and loving them so much anyway.

Now that makes me a damn good mother!

Dear Working Mama

Dear Working Mama,

You are amazing and strong for going back to work. Maybe you wanted to go back to work because you spent a lot of time earning a degree and getting a great job and you don't want all your amazing hard work to be for nothing. Maybe you have to go back because your family needs your income. Whatever the reason, I know it's not easy leaving your baby every morning.

 It's hard getting three kids out the door and lunches made, but you probably have to do the same AND get yourself ready.  I'm lucky if I shower every two days and look at you ready for work at 8am! You're awesome!

I know you sometimes cry after you drop your baby off because you feel guilty. I don't know how you do it and I admire your strength.

When I'm home nursing my baby I know you have to sit in the break room pumping, wishing you were home, or hoping whoever is watching your baby is mixing the formula correctly and that she will actually take a bottle from someone other than you. Your determination is incredible. 

I know after a long work day you still have to come home and cook dinner, and help with homework.

After my kids go to bed I can relax, but I know you are probably catching up on work you didn't finish because you were pumping, or calling the daycare, or maybe you were daydreaming about your beautiful baby. 

I know it's annoying when people look at you with judgement and say, " Don't you want to stay home?" 

When I'm having a rough day, secretly wishing I went back to work, I know you wish you could stay at home.

When I lay my baby down for a nap, I know how badly it hurts you that yours is falling asleep with someone else. The way you stay calm and continue your work day is amazing.

Sometimes I envy you-- I envy the career you have and wonder how exciting your day is. There is no routine and nap times. There are business lunches and interaction with someone other than a tiny version of yourself.

But then I realize you might envy me too. I bet you wish you could hang in your pj's all day sipping coffee, spending time with your babies. We can be friends and share pieces of each other's worlds with one another. Because the grass is always greener, right?

 Going back to work doesn't make you a bad mother, it makes you an amazing mother. You deserve more recognition for the tough decisions you are forced to make every single day and I think you rock!

Love,

The Stay At Home Mama

Why We Read Shit Like 50 Shades and Secretly Love It

Sex once you have children is either a quickie on the couch before the baby starts crying or locked in the bathroom while one of your toddlers is knocking on the door asking why two people are in there at the same time.

And on the lucky nights, the nights when there are no children in your bed and everyone is asleep in their own room's by 8pm, it has to be quiet sex. The minute that headboard starts banging into the wall a kid will come bouncing on the bed while you and your husband scramble to get dressed because they heard a "weird sound". And forget about trying to moan with pleasure because guaranteed one kid will think there is a ghost in the house and never leave your room.

So when books like 50 Shades of Grey come out, no matter how bad the writing is, we read it and love it. Well, honestly, I didn't really read all of it, I skimmed through the fluff and read the shit out of all the intimate parts with a bowl of popcorn in my lap.

When you're a mom, you do temporarily lose who you are. Things change and you don't live for only yourself anymore. Your relationship with your spouse changes, or maybe you are an incredible single mama who craves stimulation again and the closest thing you get to it is a breast pump.

And to the haters, yes we know Christian Grey is a fictional character who does not exist and no we don't really (okay maybe a little bit) expect our partners to be that way. Yes we know this is not realistic and no, we do not care.

It's like knowing vampires don't exist but secretly hoping Edward Cullen will find our blood irresistible and never leave us alone.

It's exciting and sexy and in the midst of breast milk stains, shitty diapers, and Elmo we need sexy in our lives, even if it's through a book about S&M starring a twenty-seven year old hot billionaire who is actually single and actually falls in love with the plain Jane. Exactly why we love this kind of thing. We feel like we have become the plain Jane's because it's a good day if we aren't still in yoga pants at 4pm.

It reminds us that one day we will feel sexy again, but until then all we get is 50 Shades of Poop, 50 Shades of Breast milk stains, 50 Shades of coffee stains on my clothes, 50 Shades of questionable substances, 50 Shades of magic marker on my walls . . .

The Way I Look At Him Now

When I first met my husband, neither of us were looking for a relationship but there was something about him I couldn't stop thinking about. A week later we went for a walk together, a walk that turned into four hours of talking, laying in the grass looking at stars, and falling in love. There was so much mystery to him then, only knowing as much as one can know about someone they've just met.

I used to think that once I fell in love that was it. The love I felt for Greg was what it would be forever. I couldn't have been more wrong.


When I woke up to him sitting beside me for the first time, waiting for me to open my eyes, I fell more in love with him.

When I got a bad cold and he tried to make me some strange concoction of hot tea and cough medicine that tasted like bitter menthol; I fell more in love with him.

When he got really sick, like really sick, and I had to take care of him for a week, I realized how badly it would hurt if something ever happened to him.

When we had our first bad argument, I got to see how he experienced regret, and sorrow.

When he proposed to me on the same sidewalk where we had ended up the night we took our four hour walk, despite having no money, and no job, I saw determination and nervousness.

When he lost his grandfather, I saw him mourn and witnessed strength.

When I heard him tell my son he loved him . . .

The way he comforted me the night we moved into our first house and I sobbed for hours out of fear and change and wondering how the hell we were going to make our house livable.

On our wedding day; the way tears filled his eyes the moment he saw me walk down the aisle.

After our second child was born, I missed him when he worked 75 hours a week so I could stay home.

When things got tough in our marriage, and we separated, I saw him in pain and I saw him keep going despite that pain. I pushed him away and he never stopped trying. I witnessed a love between the two of us that some only dream of.

Watching him rock our daughter to sleep . . .

I experienced how calm he is when everything around us isn't.

The way he spoke to me with such a gentle and loving tone, despite driving 85 miles an hour and running red lights to the hospital because my water broke at home and I was about to deliver our 3rd child in the front seat of our car.

After eight years, he still makes my coffee every morning . . .


There is something beautiful about knowing you love someone so quickly and when you are so young. We have gotten to be apart of so many things in each others lives. We have watched each other learn, and helped each other grow.

The way I look at him now is different then the way I looked at that hot college guy I wanted to get to know so bad. He is my partner, my best friend, an amazing dad. He drives me crazy and pushes my buttons. He gets me in a way a lot of people don't. We laugh at things other's don't understand because we are the same kind of weird. I love that things don't have to be perfect and he can love me at absolute worst and I can love him during his.

I love the way I look at him now, and I look forward to how I will look at him seven more years from now.

They Understand

When you're a mom, your friends are no longer just friends, they are mom friends. I refer to all my friends that have kids now as mom friends and getting together with them over coffee . . . a lot of coffee, helps me feel like I'm not on this journey alone. They get it in a way my husband doesn't and can't because he works to provide so much to our family. 

They understand feeling tired in a way you never thought possible. Getting woken up every single night. Breastfeeding alone in the dark while the rest of your house is quiet minus the heavy breathing of your spouse. 

They get it when you say the feeling you get when you look at your peacefully sleeping husband while your breasts are leaking milk as you attempt to change a diaper in the dark so you don't overstimulate the baby is anything but love. You want to suffocate him! They know you really don't.

They attend play dates at your house without judgment even though your dinner dishes are still in the sink, and there are breakfast bowls and spilled milk on the table. You answer the door in your pajamas and unwashed hair swept up in a messy ponytail. They get it. 

They bring over bagels and coffee because they know that even though it's ten o'clock, you probably haven't eaten yet.

You can vent about how your husband is driving you crazy and never picks up his clothes off the floor, ever. And when he does the dishes he never wipes off the fucking counter and always leaves that one big pot in the sink.  They know you love him anyway.

The understand your need to have a mom's night out and happily finish a bottle of wine ( okay, two) with you while you talk about everything but kids. 

They know what it's like to completely give up everything you are to be a mother and to feel so lost sometimes because you are so busy taking care of everyone else. 

When people say that being a mother isn't that hard, your mom friends are right there with you-- dark circles under their eyes and unwashed hair telling those people to fuck off. We have been there for each other through the pregnancies, sleep regressions, breast feeding struggles . . . we've seen it all. They get it. It's hard. Period.

They know the beauty of  kids having an early bedtime and why it's crucial to our sanity because they also know that no matter what time the kids go to bed their wake up time stays the same. 

When you're crying and bitching and complaining and freaking out, they listen not lecture. They know you need to vent and they know you love your family. 

I know that when I'm nursing at 3 am they probably are too and I don't feel so alone.

I know that when I'm stressed out because my house is a disaster that so is their's and it's okay to not be able to do it all.

I know that when I'm serving my kids mac and cheese for the second night this week that their kids had some turkey and a slice of cheese for dinner last week and that doesn't make us bad moms. Just busy ones. 

Motherhood is the most amazing, challenging, annoying, difficult, beautiful thing I have ever done and thanks to my mom friends and lot's and lot's of coffee, we got through it.

Top 5 Most Challenging Places to Bring Children

My husband works a lot and I'm often totally on my own with my three kids and we don't have family close enough to baby-sit or take the kids for a weekend. Yes, one of my kids is almost a teenager, but don't let that fool you into thinking it makes it easier. He helps, a lot. More than most twelve year old boys would, but he is often bored out of his mind because of all the little girl things that take place in our house.

I've compiled a list of the top five hardest places to go with young children in tow and how to arm yourself accordingly.

5. Grocery Store- This one isn't too bad, challenging, but do-able. My 17 month old hasn't figured out that she can get down and walk yet and I'm sure once that happens it's a whole new ball game at Wal-Mart. To survive, make a list and map out a route beforehand so when you get to the store you know exactly where you are going and what you need. On too many occasions I've had all three kids with me and they start losing their patience one by one and I get flustered and forget a handful of things only to have to *gulp* return the next day for said items. If all hell breaks loose, but them each a doughnut and haul ass to the check out line.

4. The Vet- I recently had to endure this challenge after getting our new puppy,  Holly. Yup! All three kids came with me. Make the appointment as early as possible. Everyone is much happier first thing in the morning, especially after a good breakfast. Just like the doctors office, appointments show up late, run long and the later in the afternoon you arrive, the more of a chance you will have to wait forever. Snagging one of the first appointment times ensures you will be seen quickly.

3. Street Fair- Our town has one every year called Steppin Out and it's great and there is so much to do. It's also in August, so it's hot and crowded and overwhelming for little ones. Tips are simple. Babywear! I had my youngest, Mavis, in the Ergo.  It's tricky trying to keep up with two other kids in the crowd while maneuvering a stroller through hundreds of people. It also made it easy for me to walk in and out of the different booths quickly. Start with the boring stuff, the stuff you want to look at, then work your way to the kid friendly activities. Why? There is no way that after two hours of sand art, face painting, and fun kid stuff that they are then going to want to browse the hand carved wood, or homemade candles.

2. Road trips- If you have more than one kid or a child who hates the car then you know how hard this can be. I'll never forget a 7 hour car trip with my oldest when he was around 12 months old and he cried the whole way. My dad and I sang Row Row Row Your Boat three hundred times because for some reason it made him stop crying.  If your like me, and freak about safety, then your youngest is probably still rear facing. So much for that DVD system because they can't even see it.

 The truth is, there is no toy or movie that makes long tips easier on little ones. Patience and practice are your best friends. Take a few practice drives beforehand so the real thing isn't a huge shock. Be patient and have realistic expectations. You can't drive five hours straight and know that it's okay to have to stop every two hours and snuggle your kids and let them run around Chic-fil-A for an hour before heading out again.  Be prepared to entertain! Exhausting, I know. But towards the end of an eight and a half hour drive my youngest was just done. Ready to be free. Me sitting in the back with her and reading her books, playing peek-a-boo, and holding her hand went a long way. I'd be pissed too if I had to stare at the back of a seat for an entire day. Never underestimate the power of cookies.

1. Your Own Doctor's Appointment- Ah- this one is tricky. I've had to do this before and let me tell you, it gets awkward. My oldest is 12 and a boy and there is nothing weirder then him tagging along at my OB appointment. He is at that age where it's kind of, sort of, maybe, maybe not okay for him to be at home alone. I go back and forth constantly. At the doctor's office, he can't exactly be in the room with me. He can sit in the lobby, but then I feel bad that he is out there alone for 30+ minutes while I'm in the room with the two girls. So what do you do? If you can't find someone to go with you or watch them, let the office know you are bringing your kids with you, they are probably used to it. And again, like with the vet, schedule your appointment for the earliest time they have! Bring them back in the room with you, then just have the older one step out while your being examined.


Mom's are superhero's and we are capable of doing anything. Be brave. Be calm. And even if your kid is going completely nuclear in Target, you're not the first mom this has ever happened to, your child isn't the devil, and it's going to be okay.

The Bittersweets of Back to School

Back to school is a season of it's own with it's freshly sharpened pencils, and the look of a box of unused crayons. It's a new beginning. Like springtime.

The requests for school supplies are a little different then when I was a kid. We had one folder and one composition book. The classroom shared a bin of dull nubby crayons with no wrappers on them and we borrowed pencils from one another when our own were too small to write with.

My daughter's list asks for 20 freakin glue sticks! 20! No way she is going to use 20 glue sticks. And I assume every kid in the class has the same request for supplies, so if there are fifteen kids in her class and each one buys 20 glue sticks, you're telling me as a class they need 300 glue sticks?

Everything is mechanical now too. Crayons. Colored pencils. Regular pencils. There is no nostalgic smell of a freshly sharpened pencil or the loud grinding of a manual pencil sharpener on the wall with a line of students behind it.

I wish my kids could experience raw learning. School for what it is. Not get caught up in new backpacks every single year ( in our house they use their backpack until it's falling apart) and new supplies when the ones from last year are just as good.

I get excited about my two older ones starting school again because let's face it, I'm home with three kids all day, every day, for months. This is fun in the beginning. We get to hang out everyday, do whatever we want and there is no wake-up time or rush to get to bed. We get to visit family and go on vacation, but then something happens. They get bored and we all begin to annoy one another.

I think I'm so ready to send them off when the time comes, and I watch as my 12 year old flies out of the car, too cool now to cling to me with tear filled eyes; not wanting to go to school.I'm the one with tears in my eyes now.

 My six year old telling me that she will think about me all day long and it makes her feel sad because she misses me, as she slowly gets out of the car and bounces off to her classroom. How did they grow up so fast?

On the bad days, the days when I haven't showered, and realize at 3pm I haven't even eaten lunch and my older two kids are fighting and the baby wants to be held, I make myself stop. I stop and think about how my heart feels when they aren't with me. I keep holding the baby, because one day she won't want me to hold her anymore and I'll wish I could. I smile at my two older kids arguing about who pinched who first because when they are gone there is silence. If I deeply wanted quiet in my life I wouldn't have became a mother. It's the noise, and the craziness that bring the joy, not the alone time, although this is nice on occasion. And each year of school complete is another year closer to when they leave me for good.

Sending them back to school is bittersweet. I get a piece of myself back, a moment of silence to breathe and remember who I am. But I also temporarily lose two very special parts of who I am as well and hope that when I send them out into the world and entrust strangers to teach them, that I'm doing a good job, and they will be okay.

Summer Vacation Nightmares

Summer Vacation. Freedom. It's a breath of fresh air . . . until you have children. Summer vacation has a whole new meaning to me now.

In my ultimate fantasy my husband and I head to the beach with a couple of towels and a few drinks while we sleep the day away under the sun listening to the waves crash on the beach. What actually happens is so far from this it's almost comical.

We spend forty-five minutes applying sunscreen, packing a cooler with drinks and snacks because even though we all just had breakfast, something about arriving at the beach makes every child instantly starving. And God forbid we don't bring a tent, towels, toys, and boogie boards because the beach itself isn't entertaining enough.

Phew! After our long production we finally make it to the beach and have the joy of unpacking all the crap we have brought with us and dragging it up the boardwalk to the beach while holding my 16 month old, convincing our twelve year old to help carry stuff, while listening to our six year old complain about the two hundred minute (45 second) walk to the beach.

Once we have found a good spot we then get to set-up everything. Put up the tent so our fair skinned girls don't burn, blow up the pool, because everyone is warning you not get in the ocean. You will get eaten by a shark! And let's not forget that 1 out of 3 children are hungry already, and the baby wants to nurse.

Now it's been an entire 70 minutes since we first decided to go to the beach and you are thinking it's worth it because the kids will spend the whole day enjoying the beach, right? There is so much to do there, right? Can I laugh in your face now?

Two hours in-- "I'm hot." "I'm bored, when can we go back?"

I don't want them to get too much sun because then my in-laws are asking why my kids are sunburned. Then I start worrying about skin cancer and heat stroke . . .  Is that a fin in the water?Crap! We pack everything back up and head out.

Fifteen minutes after we get back to the beach house the, "I'm bordes" begin.

Vacations with kids really aren't vacations. They are a cruel test of your patience and creativity because you're in an unfamiliar beach house rental with twelve other family members. I then find myself wondering why my husband and I do this to ourselves. Drive 8 hours with three kids to go on vacation when it really feels like anything but that because we are bed sharing with our six year old and room sharing with the baby who wakes up twice a night because she is squished in the pack and play.

When people ask me how my vacation was, or insinuate that is was probably amazing, I just smile and nod because I'm supposed to be thankful I get to go to the beach for two weeks, right? And I'm not allowed to be irritated or stressed.

The truth is it wasn't a vacation, it was work.