The Parenting Illusions of Social Media

Parenting and relationships are difficult enough by itself, but throw social media into it and it just got a whole helluva lot more complicated. Don't get me wrong, the plethora of information out there is great, and the support I've found from mom groups has given me lot's of comfort during some lonely times.

But it's dangerous out there. We all want to do the best thing for our children and so naturally when we hear about someone doing something different, we compare. And we are usually comparing their best day with our worst. We also seek advice from complete strangers when sometimes the answer is deep within ourselves.

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter . . . it's just one big highlight reel. Celebrity marriages create this horrible illusion that what they portray is reality. It's not. Reality is full of messes that celebrities experience too. They just don't want us to see it.  Social media showcases our best moments. But life isn't just a compilation of our best. We all have those horrible days.

Now what if I posted this photo with the caption: Enjoying some alone time while my beautiful babies take a nap!

You form an opinion about me and my life. But it's not just this one picture on my Facebook account. It's hundreds just like this. Highlighting the "better" moments. It's easy to assume my life is a certain way.

What if I told you I took that picture 20 times before it looked just right, and it actually took me an hour to get both babies to sleep. I also spent the entire morning ugly crying because I was up with my baby 6 times last night and I'm so exhausted. It wasn't just last night, it's every night. And I haven't gotten more than five hours of broken sleep in eight months.

And we missed a doctors appointment and when I called to reschedule they said," if you ever miss an appointment we cancel all future appointments and don't allow you to be a patient anymore." And we have been through hell since we moved trying to find a good pediatrician that takes our insurance and have already had one horrible experience and have no other options. I begged them to make an exception. I cried on the phone to someone I barely knew.

I cried because my husband is gone 12 hours a day and I wake up alone every morning.  I struggle every day to not lose my shit while I get four kids ready for the day. Myself included. I wake up alone because my husband commutes to work because we couldn't really afford to live in the city he works in and we wanted more for our kids. We wanted a great neighborhood and great schools. A nice house. So we sacrificed. I cried because my sinks were full of dishes and my kitchen was a mess and I felt like a failure. I felt like life was just too heavy for me to handle. I cried because I felt like I was failing.

I cried because I've been telling myself that things will get easier. My daughter will figure it out and sleep. One day. Work won't completely consume my husband. One day. I will crawl into bed one night and not wake up until after the sun comes up. One day, I cried because I've been so patient and this morning, I didn't want to be anymore. I wanted everything to be the way I wanted it to be.

I'm typically a genuinely happy person. Honestly. It's the one thing my family and close friends have always said about me. Why are you so happy all the time? And this morning, I cried because I was disappointed in myself for being so negative. We all need days like that. I'm not a robot. I can't always be happy. I cry so hard sometimes because I need to.

Next time someone posts a photo or several photos, or their entire social media account seems like they have the perfect life, just remember they probably don't. We are all going through our own stuff and have days when we leave the house in leggings, a mom bun, and a baggy sweater. No sexy peep toes, but dirty flats with a hole in the side, But we don't post those kinds of photos. We post the photos of ourselves when we manage to shower, do our make-up and leave the house holding a hot Starbucks coffee, donning our best skinny jeans and designer blouse.

To the mom right now sitting in her pajamas reading this, You aren't alone. I'm in sweatpants right now, my toddler didn't take a nap and my coffee is still sitting in the microwave from this morning.

I'm In There Somewhere

My first child was born when I was only seventeen years old. Despite all the advice I was given about motherhood, nothing truly prepared me for it. Nothing. I foolishly thought who I was would never change. The truth is, you can't really be that great of a parent if you don't change. You have to. There is something about motherhood that honestly changes you whether you like it or not.

Who you are, what you look like, and what you're wearing begins to take a back seat to who your children are becoming, what they look like, and what they are wearing. Half of mine are usually running around naked anyway.

Before I had my kids I thought of myself as vibrant and fun. A self proclaimed night owl who loved to explore the day away. I would listen to music, go to the gym, write, watch a movie in the afternoon. Take a damn nap if I wanted to. Waste the day away lounging in coffee shops, or driving around just because.

The picture above was taken a year or so before I found out I was pregnant with my first. I spontaneously decided to bike ride down to this pond and fish. Spontaneity is a word that no longer exists in my world because every single thing we do for the most part has to be planned. We have nap schedules to work around and bed times and homework and guitar lessons and swim class. 

When my husband met me, I was a very difference person than I am today. For a really long time I used to think that was such a bad thing and would often apologize for not being the girl he met all those years ago. I promised him that I was in there somewhere; beneath the bags under my eyes and extra baby weight and leaking breasts,and stretch marks.  I was in there. Somewhere.

I wanted to be the girl in the picture again. I pined for her. 

One night, my husband and I were lying in bed, the kids were asleep, and we started talking about all the free time we had before we had four kids. He looked at me and said, "Back then you were this dependent, confused girl. Look at you now. You went and grew into a strong, independent woman."

It took me some time to realize, but I don't ever want to be that girl in the photo again. That season of my life is over. She was a first draft of the many versions of myself I will grow into. I've become something more incredible than the sixteen year old version of me could have ever dreamed of. I developed self worth, self confidence, strength, appreciation for so many things in life. I became a mother and learned more about love and life than I could possibly try to write about. The years have given me experience. The kind of experience you have to actually live through and can't be explained to you.

 Strength. Drive. Dedication. Perseverance. Patience. Knowledge. Realization. Love. Words I've come to truly understand the meaning of.

There are days I fall apart. Days where I'm sleep deprived, defeated, frustrated, and moments I cry so hard because I feel like I am failing. I feel like I can't possible do this anymore.  But I know who I am, and I'm so proud of that. When I look at that photo, I'm standing there alone, living only for myself.

When I look at photos now, the lives my husband and I created are in them, and I'm not just living for myself anymore. I have this incredible full, crazy, hectic, exhausting life, and I've never been happier. 

I am in there somewhere, along with all my other experiences and pieces of my past self who have made me into the woman and mother I am today. That girl couldn't even fathom the degree of happiness I have today, and I would never want to go back to being her. I had so many other amazing things ahead of me, I was just too naive to realize it.  

Always remember who you used to be. Know who you are. Look forward to who you will become. 

My Marriage Comes First

So if there was only one apple left you would give it to your husband?

When I say my marriage comes first, I don't mean I would deprive my children of something for my husband. Our children wouldn't even exist if my husband and I weren't together so our relationship needs constant nurturing and attention.

Our marriage is the foundation for this beautiful fortified kingdom we created together. If our relationship weakens, everything we have worked so hard to build begins to crumble. Our whole world falls apart and our kids need us to be strong and work together. They need us to be a team who works together and fights for the family.

This doesn't mean I tend to my husbands needs before my crying children, but we actively carve out time for one another and never stop dating. Our love and relationship is far more advanced than that of a dating couple in the honeymoon phase. We flirt, send naughty text messages, ask each other out on dates, and romance each other as if we just met. We pursue one another, all the time. My husband still opens the car door for me, fills up my water bottle, and texts me to tell me he misses me. I do his laundry, iron his shirts when I have time, leave him sweet notes, and make sure I tell him how much I appreciate him.

None of that comes easy. We have four children. Two of them have activities during the week, homework, want to spend alone time with each of us and the other two are both under three years old. I have also been breastfeeding every single day and night for the past three years. And was pregnant for 18 months out of the last 36 months.

We also recognize that things aren't always going to be equal or 50/50. There have been times when Greg needed me to give 90% because he only had 10%. Times when we were both able to give 50%. There were also times when I've been so sleep deprived and had absolutely nothing left to give. When he travels for work I'm giving more than I thought I had to give. Marriage isn't always about things being fair. It's about working together and being a team. Sometimes one of the people on that team has to bear more of the burden. Neither one of us are ever bearing it alone, or for very long.

I don't think anyone ever really tells you how much work it is to maintain a marriage and keep it thriving. It's not easy. But it's worth it. Any anything worth anything is hard.