Parenting Is Not A Competition

I hate how parenting has become a competition of who works the hardest and who does more of this or more of that. Which type of mom is more tired or has it the toughest. And by type I mean, single moms, stay at home moms, working mom's, mom's with nanny's. . .

Everyone works really hard, Parenting is hard no matter how you look at it and everyone struggles in different ways. Just remember we are all supposed to be there for one another. It's not a competition.
I've been a single mom, a working mom, and now I'm a stay at home mom, and there was never a time when I said to myself, "hey, things are so much easier this way." Being a single mom was hard. Being a working mom was hard. Staying at home is hard. And when I was working or a single mom and even now being at home, I always thought things were easier another way.  Each one has it's perks, and each one also has it's downfalls.

The thing I loved the most about working was being around other adults and feeling like I was accomplishing something as a team. It was a good feeling waking up to an alarm, getting ready for the day, and having a job to do. The downfall: I missed out on things my kids did that day. I didn't see them off to school, or their little faces when they came home. I don't know what they had for lunch, or how they fell asleep for a nap.

Being a single mom is draining. There is no one there to help you when you've had enough. No spouse or partner to take over while you shower, or nap. The one thing I do miss about being a single mom is the one on one time my son and I had. It was just me and him and we followed our own routine and did what we wanted.

Staying at home is a blessing. I have the opportunity to see my children every single day, from the moment they wake up, to the moment they go to bed. I hear every story, and see everything they see. I know what they have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and if they are happy. I'm the one that gets to make it better if they aren't. But staying at home can be lonely and the things I sacrifice, the pieces of myself that get lost alone the way, can be truly difficult to overcome.

The truth is nothing will ever make this journey we are on any easier. It will be hard forever in different ways. From the moment we decided to become parents, we embarked on a lifelong journey to care for and raise another human being. We worry, all the time about whether or not we are doing it right. Are we making good choices? Will our children grow up to be good, successful, nice, honest people?

There were times, especially after my third baby was born, that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I couldn't think about anything except how I was going to get through the next hour. My days and nights merged together and I felt alone. Isolated. I wasn't me. I was this feeding machine. An exhausted feeding machine who couldn't even wear her own clothes or find time to apply just a little mascara. You would never have known this from looking at me, nor would I admit that I was drowning in my life.

My youngest is almost 18 months now and I've started to feel like myself again. I get a full night's sleep. I have a couple hours during the day when she naps to regroup, shower, write . . . and I can breathe. . .  most days.

Looking back on the darker times, I feel proud of myself. I got through something I didn't think I could get through and I wasn't alone. Lot's of mom's go through what I went through and are afraid to admit they are struggling. It's because we judge, we feel we can't seek help for fear of judgment. And whether we work, stay at home, go it alone, breastfeed, don't breastfeed, we all have the same fears and struggles. We probably have the same goals. Be great parents. Love our children.

Stop comparing and don't judge. We are all doing the best we can. Offer support. A hug goes a really long way. Trust me. Not a stupid side hug. A real, long hug!

You're not a better mom because you rock your baby to sleep. You're not a bad mom because you have different parenting idea's then the strict mom down the street.

We are all just trying to survive being in the trenches of parenthood. Give each other a break.

Dirty Thirty

When I was a kid, I was one of those wild stallion's that thought she had it all figured out when really I was just lost, and pretending like I had it figured out, trying so many different things, hoping something would stick. I was so unsure of myself and always worried what other people thought, almost too much. My family probably remembers hearing me say, "I don't care what people think." I hoped if I said it enough, then maybe one day it would actually be the truth.

There isn't anything I would necessarily change about my life, because then so many things would not be what they are today, but if I could go back to my younger self, I would tell her she is smart, smarter then she thinks she is. I would let her know that one day she won't have crooked teeth or braces, and that mustache, thanks to her Italian heritage, can be waxed. She won't always be taller then every boy she meets, and the ones that don't pay attention to her wont matter when she is older.

I would tell her not to be afraid to believe in things and like things, even if she is the only one. I would tell her being a dork is the coolest thing ever, and that one day she will meet someone who loves her for every weird thing she does, every habit, every passion.

I would tell her not to care too much what people think, because there will always be someone who disagree's with her. Try to keep an open mind, and give people the benefit of the doubt. Everyone deserves a second chance at least once, and some don't deserve them at all. I would tell her to learn who is worthy of her time. I would tell her youth really is wasted on the young, and not to waste her youth. To cherish it, because it will be over before she knows it. She will have plenty of time to be a grown up, and while it seems great, once she is one, all she will want is to be a kid again.

Now here I am days away from my 30th birthday and I'm definitely smarter, more sensitive then I ever thought possible, a self proclaimed dork,  but I don't really have it all figured out. I'm still figuring it out every day, making ton's of mistakes, and I'm really okay with that. If I have it all figured out, then I don't know what I'm living for. After the mistake comes a lesson and a learning opportunity and something about that is just beautiful. No matter what, I am never too old to learn something new. Whether it's kid related, or something just for me, I learn everyday.

Thirty was always such a scary age for me because it was sort of like my deadline for accomplishing things, meeting goals, and traveling the world. The closer I got to this horrendous age, I realized thirty isn't ninety and my life doesn't stop at any age. Turning thirty really is like turning any other number. It's just a number. A measurement of how long I've been alive.

What's important isn't so much the number itself, but how I feel, and what I'm doing now, not what I haven't done. There is no cut off because it's never too late.

One of my favorite movies ever is Vanilla Sky. I cry every time I see it because it has such a powerful message about choices and appreciation and time. My favorite quote comes from that movie.

"Every passing minute, is another chance to turn it all around." 

I fell in love with this quote long before I worried about turning thirty, but now that my 20's are coming to an end, this means more to me then it ever did. My spirit is young, and no number is going to change the way I feel.

I'm going to make Dirty Thirty beautiful again!