Monday, December 21, 2015

What I Wish I Was Told About Motherhood

The fierce love I feel for all my children is undeniable, and something I don't think anyone could have even begun to try to explain to me. I wouldn't have truly understood. The moment all three of them were born, and I held them for the first time, looked into their eyes, this urge grew inside of me. The urge to protect them and love them.

After my son was born, and I was expecting my second, I wasn't sure I would love her as much or the way I loved my son. He was my first and we had such a special bond.

The heart is an incredible thing. When my daughter was born, I instantly loved her so much. I literally could not stop staring at her out of disbelief that this beautiful little creature was mine. And then my third came along, and oh my goodness, the love. The love is incredible. Sometimes my heart feels so full I can look at them and it brings tears to my eyes. They are each so different and special in their own way, and they way they need me and my love is different. Its the most amazing I have ever been lucky enough to experience.

There are so many things people tell you about motherhood and becoming a parent, and so many things they don't tell you. I always heard a lot about how amazing it is. And how cute babies are and what a special thing it is to be a mom.

Well, I want to tell you everything I wish someone told me. I want to share the raw truth of what being a mother is.

You will never know exhaustion like you do when you are a parent. You think you do. You might even try to compare it to something. But whatever you are comparing it to isn't even close to how painfully tired you will be. You will be so tired, you will contemplate the unthinkable just for five minutes of shut eye. You will be so tired, that you will cry when your baby cries because you just want him to go to sleep. Then you will cry because you feel bad for wishing he would stop crying.

You will do a lot of crying.

You will go days without a shower. This will seem horrible at first. It will bother you that you have spent three days in the same yoga pants, but eventually this will become the norm and it wont bother you anymore. You will come to realize that putting on a full face of make-up and heels is a waste of your time. You cannot effectively parent in heels. Trust me.

You will try to protect your kids from everything and it will be horrible when you realize you can't. And you will feel pain when they feel pain, only worse. Worse because you couldn't prevent it and you can't always make them stop hurting.

You will develop spidey senses and the ability to see germs on every.single.surface. Every person is a suspect and you will trust no one. This does get better with each child. You will boil every toy, pacifier, and sanitize everything with baby number 1. By the time you get to baby number 3, you wont even flinch when you see them eating sand.

Everything in your life will change. You will think it wont and that everything can just stay the same. It wont ever be the same. You will change, and grow and become someone you never thought possible. Instead of an 8pm dinner on a Friday night, you will be in pajamas at 7pm rocking your sweet baby to sleep. You will love this. You will hate this. You'll pine for a night out and when you finally get one, all you will think about is being at home.

Motherhood is not always great and special. Some days its horrible and you will wish the day would just end, and that your kids would just leave you alone for five seconds. You will get frustrated and irritated and annoyed. Bedtime will never come soon enough. When the house is quiet and everyone is asleep, you will lay in the dark, wide awake, going over everything you could have done different that day. You will pray for more patience for tomorrow, then you will wish your kids were awake so you could give them a hug and remind them how loved they are.

Don't rush them to sleep through the night, or eat solids, or crawl or walk or anything. They will do all of these things when they are ready and before you know it they will be teenagers you can't get up in the morning who love hanging out alone. For some reason, society wants us to think there is something wrong with our children if they aren't potty trained, weaned from breastfeeding, and reading a book by their second birthday. Hold your baby when they want to be held. Don't let anyone tell you you are spoiling them because you can't spoil your baby with your love. They need your love and attention. What they don't need is things. But they need you, and nothing can replace your touch or presence.

People will love to give you their advice and try to tell you how to raise your baby. They will tell you what you are doing wrong, what you should change, etc. No one knows your baby like you do. Trust your instincts and have confidence in your choices.

If you don't like coffee now, trust me you will learn to. And there are at least 20 different kinds of creamers out there to choose from. Coffee. Great stuff. Either invest in a killer travel mug that will keep your coffee warm for hours, or be prepared to reheat your mug at least 3x every morning. But, it's the one thing you absolutely do not have to share.

Sharing. Let's just say you won't have privacy for a very long time. You will pee and poop with toddlers on your lap, playing on the bathroom floor, and coming in and out of the bathroom. If you try shutting and locking the door, they will sit outside and cry and knock and talk to you anyway. You won't even bother shutting the door.  No matter what it is you are eating or when you are eating it, someone will want a bite, or two or three, oh hell... you'll end up just giving it to them.

Don't expect your kids to act like adults. So often children are expected to not act like children. They are expected to grow up way before they are ready. Let your kid just be a kid. In the entirety of life, their childhood is short. There is plenty of time to be an adult and it's not during their childhood. Let them make messes and be silly and sit on your lap during dinner. They will throw tantrums and cry. They are not being brats, they are being kids. Guide them through, don't punish them for being what they are.

No matter how tired, or irritated, or drained you feel,never forget your purpose. Don't lose sight of the amazing thing you are doing. Some days it wont feel like much, but you are raising tiny people and what might have seemed like a boring day to you, could have been the best day ever to them. Fill your heart with kindness and patience because children learn more from what they see from you.
Even on the absolute worst day, remember to take a deep breath, look into our baby's eyes, and remember they have feelings too. They are frustrated and sad too. You are in this together and every moment of exhaustion and craziness is worth it. It's all worth it.


Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Babies Are Manipulative

I've really been struggling with what to blog about recently. The weeks are flying by and things are happening one after another. From hosting our first ever Thanksgiving, to a near house fire when our leaky kitchen sink decided to completely flood and soak our electrical box, to a full sink and faucet replacement, in addition to everything else, needless to say we have been busy.

When my first child was born, I was so young, and had no idea about parenting or different styles of parenting. I simply took the advice of family, and assumed it was for the best. I didn't have the confidence to do something other then what they were saying. They all said he would never sleep through the night if I didn't let him cry it out. So, I did it. I listened to my sweet baby boy cry himself to sleep. After a few nights, yes, he stopped crying and just went to sleep. But did he really learn to self sooth? I don't believe so. He learned I wouldn't come. This breaks my heart, even twelve years later.

My youngest daughter, who will be two in March, woke up at 2am and just did not want to go back to sleep. ( I ditched the whole cry it out method once I had my second because it went against every motherly instinct I had so not hold my baby when they needed me.) It's very easy as parents to get frustrated because we are tired and just want to sleep, but we have to remember babies are little people with feelings and fears and so many emotions that they can't express to us in any other way then to cry.


We can't expect to have babies, and then mold them in a way that makes our lives easier simply because what they need in momentarily inconvenient.

When I went to get her from her crib, she hugged me so tight, her tiny feet were cold, and she said, "mommy", between her sobs. Maybe she was cold. Maybe she just couldn't sleep. I will never know what woke her up or what she really needed. I just know that she needed. I could have laid her down and let her cry until she fell asleep. Assumed she was being manipulative. Crying just to get her way.

In some countries, and in a lot of cultures, it is unheard of that a baby will sleep in a separate room from their parents. And it makes me sad when I see moms asking for advice on how to put their baby down without them crying, or how to get them to sleep through the night. They thrive off of our physical touch and warmth. They have needs that have to be met. And while it might not always be a convenient time of day or night, we chose to be parents and it's all part of it. The exhaustion. Running off 3 hours of sleep like I am doing today.

Even as adults, we have difficulty sleeping. We wake up and need a drink of water. We wake up from being too hot, or too cold, Or maybe we just aren't tired. Guess what people?? Your baby goes through the same thing only that can't tell you and they can't fix it. So until they learn how, it's our job to try. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, cold. And you can't tell anyone. And you can't pull a blanket on yourself. Imagine being left in the dark to fall asleep on your own.

My daughter wasn't being manipulative. All she knew was that something was bothering her and she needed her mommy. She needed comfort. And that is exactly what she got. I am so exhausted right now. But I gave my daughter something way more important then my sleep. I gave her the reassurance that I was there for her.



****( I am in no way certified or trained on the habits of infant sleep or crying it out. The above is simply my opinion based on my experience as a parent, and research I have conducted on my own time.)