I'm In There Somewhere

My first child was born when I was only seventeen years old. Despite all the advice I was given about motherhood, nothing truly prepared me for it. Nothing. I foolishly thought who I was would never change. The truth is, you can't really be that great of a parent if you don't change. You have to. There is something about motherhood that honestly changes you whether you like it or not.

Who you are, what you look like, and what you're wearing begins to take a back seat to who your children are becoming, what they look like, and what they are wearing. Half of mine are usually running around naked anyway.

Before I had my kids I thought of myself as vibrant and fun. A self proclaimed night owl who loved to explore the day away. I would listen to music, go to the gym, write, watch a movie in the afternoon. Take a damn nap if I wanted to. Waste the day away lounging in coffee shops, or driving around just because.

The picture above was taken a year or so before I found out I was pregnant with my first. I spontaneously decided to bike ride down to this pond and fish. Spontaneity is a word that no longer exists in my world because every single thing we do for the most part has to be planned. We have nap schedules to work around and bed times and homework and guitar lessons and swim class. 

When my husband met me, I was a very difference person than I am today. For a really long time I used to think that was such a bad thing and would often apologize for not being the girl he met all those years ago. I promised him that I was in there somewhere; beneath the bags under my eyes and extra baby weight and leaking breasts,and stretch marks.  I was in there. Somewhere.

I wanted to be the girl in the picture again. I pined for her. 

One night, my husband and I were lying in bed, the kids were asleep, and we started talking about all the free time we had before we had four kids. He looked at me and said, "Back then you were this dependent, confused girl. Look at you now. You went and grew into a strong, independent woman."

It took me some time to realize, but I don't ever want to be that girl in the photo again. That season of my life is over. She was a first draft of the many versions of myself I will grow into. I've become something more incredible than the sixteen year old version of me could have ever dreamed of. I developed self worth, self confidence, strength, appreciation for so many things in life. I became a mother and learned more about love and life than I could possibly try to write about. The years have given me experience. The kind of experience you have to actually live through and can't be explained to you.

 Strength. Drive. Dedication. Perseverance. Patience. Knowledge. Realization. Love. Words I've come to truly understand the meaning of.

There are days I fall apart. Days where I'm sleep deprived, defeated, frustrated, and moments I cry so hard because I feel like I am failing. I feel like I can't possible do this anymore.  But I know who I am, and I'm so proud of that. When I look at that photo, I'm standing there alone, living only for myself.

When I look at photos now, the lives my husband and I created are in them, and I'm not just living for myself anymore. I have this incredible full, crazy, hectic, exhausting life, and I've never been happier. 

I am in there somewhere, along with all my other experiences and pieces of my past self who have made me into the woman and mother I am today. That girl couldn't even fathom the degree of happiness I have today, and I would never want to go back to being her. I had so many other amazing things ahead of me, I was just too naive to realize it.  

Always remember who you used to be. Know who you are. Look forward to who you will become.