Why We Read Shit Like 50 Shades and Secretly Love It

Sex once you have children is either a quickie on the couch before the baby starts crying or locked in the bathroom while one of your toddlers is knocking on the door asking why two people are in there at the same time.

And on the lucky nights, the nights when there are no children in your bed and everyone is asleep in their own room's by 8pm, it has to be quiet sex. The minute that headboard starts banging into the wall a kid will come bouncing on the bed while you and your husband scramble to get dressed because they heard a "weird sound". And forget about trying to moan with pleasure because guaranteed one kid will think there is a ghost in the house and never leave your room.

So when books like 50 Shades of Grey come out, no matter how bad the writing is, we read it and love it. Well, honestly, I didn't really read all of it, I skimmed through the fluff and read the shit out of all the intimate parts with a bowl of popcorn in my lap.

When you're a mom, you do temporarily lose who you are. Things change and you don't live for only yourself anymore. Your relationship with your spouse changes, or maybe you are an incredible single mama who craves stimulation again and the closest thing you get to it is a breast pump.

And to the haters, yes we know Christian Grey is a fictional character who does not exist and no we don't really (okay maybe a little bit) expect our partners to be that way. Yes we know this is not realistic and no, we do not care.

It's like knowing vampires don't exist but secretly hoping Edward Cullen will find our blood irresistible and never leave us alone.

It's exciting and sexy and in the midst of breast milk stains, shitty diapers, and Elmo we need sexy in our lives, even if it's through a book about S&M starring a twenty-seven year old hot billionaire who is actually single and actually falls in love with the plain Jane. Exactly why we love this kind of thing. We feel like we have become the plain Jane's because it's a good day if we aren't still in yoga pants at 4pm.

It reminds us that one day we will feel sexy again, but until then all we get is 50 Shades of Poop, 50 Shades of Breast milk stains, 50 Shades of coffee stains on my clothes, 50 Shades of questionable substances, 50 Shades of magic marker on my walls . . .